Codependency is a term thrown around, often misused, to describe someone who is “always in a relationship” or “can’t be alone”. This may be a symptom of codependency but it really misses the mark.
What does codependency really mean?
Pia Mellody describes codependency as stemming from emotionally immature parenting.
She describes “5 core issues” of someone who struggles with codependency.
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The first core issue according to Pia Mellody is issues with self-esteem. Issues with self-esteem often manifest by feeling better than others or less than others or over-identifying with our strengths and shaming ourselves for our weaknesses.
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The second core issue is struggles with boundaries. This presents by either being boundary-less in relationships, walled off, or a combination of both. In other words, we are either being way too protective of ourselves, never able to connect or be intimate with others or we are not protecting ourselves enough, allowing ourselves to be hurt by people who probably don’t deserve to be so close to us. It also includes struggling with setting healthy boundaries and healthy limits with ourselves.
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The third core issue is an issue owning your own reality and expressing it. I always chuckle to myself because I find Pia Mellody’s language sort of hard to understand sometimes so allow me to translate what she is saying…
“Owning our reality” means being able to identify what it is we are feeling, thinking, and what meaning we are giving to incoming data. We are able to own our truth, our own beliefs, etc. even if it may be different than someone else’s. People who struggle with codependency have a difficult time owning their truth and their reality, knowing what they feel and what their own thoughts are.
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This fourth core issue involves difficulties with self-care and identifying our needs and wants.
Pia Mellody describes how people who struggle with codependency may be able to know what they need but don’t feel comfortable meeting their own needs and will not ask for their needs to be met by others when appropriate. Other ways this can manifest is by literally not being able to know what you need or by being so dependent on others to know and meet your needs for you. Oh and sometimes people who struggle with codependency mistake their wants and needs and meet their wants but not their needs. An example of this would be buying your 5th new pair of shoes but not going to the doctor or having healthy foods in the house to eat. For the person struggling with codependency, they may not know they are allowed to say “no”, or they do know they can say “no” but don’t know how or feel so much guilt doing so that they say yes even when it requires self-neglect and leads to feelings of resentment.
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The fifth core issue refers to moderation and containment. Again I chuckle because for someone struggling with codependency (my younger self), we do not know what moderation or containment means… so allow me to translate. This is also partly my interpretation as I’ve played with these definitions over the years. Moderation and containment can mean balance.. it can mean being in “the middle”. People who struggle with codependency are either boundary-less and overly spontaneous, perhaps being inappropriate or out of control, or they completely shut down the authentic and spontaneous part of them. Being “in the middle” in this example, means allowing yourself to be authentic and spontaneous and to also have healthy boundaries.
I’d love to hear from you. What definition of codependency did you have? WAs this blog helpful in any way? Feel free to shoot me an email! GaraDSteinfeld@gmail.com