The science of sex, love, attraction, and obsession
I am a huge fan of this video! The information can help us understand ourselves better, how we show up in relationships and can be used to be intentional about building genuine long lasting love, rather than lust or infatuation, and how to maintain our relationship!
One of my favorite parts is that it describes what we experience in the “honey moon phase” of relationships, when we are essentially bombarded with feel good chemicals that make us feel blissful and look at our partners and our relationship with “rose colored glasses”.
It’s unfortunate that we are not educated about this because when the “honey moon phase” ends, we often think there is something wrong with us or the relationship. It can also be triggering for people who grew up (with trauma) in dysfunctional or chaotic households who are used to intensity now that the relationship actually begins to feel more mellow in terms of chemicals no longer BOMBARDING the brain.
This is where people who have experienced trauma are invited to practice loving from a place of calm, true intimacy and vulnerability rather than intensity and “rose colored glasses”.
This is where people who experienced trauma are invited to practice self-soothing and healthy conflict resolution skills when their partner is no longer perfect (as none of us are).
This is where people who experienced trauma, abuse, or neglect may get their original wounding triggered, regarding their unmet needs as children.
These of course, are opportunities to heal. Getting triggered is always an opportunity to heal.
Couples either transition into the next phase of the relationship or call it quits. Often this pattern repeats again and again for people who do not make it past this stage.
This is where we are invited to practice seeing our partner for who they actually are, rather than the version we met when we had “rose colored glasses”. Pia Mellody says not to date someone that you won’t criticize. i know, that may sound odd, but what she means is to pay attention and not overlook what may be a “red flag” or doesn’t sit right with you. She doesn’t say to run away at the first sight of it, but to actually pay attention and be curious and notice the truth about your date/partner and the truth of who they are and how they show up for you, and not only the parts that you like. Again, we are all perfectly imperfect and the more we can love all parts of ourselves the more we can let others love all parts of us and we can love (or tolerate lol) all parts of other people.