Relationship & Intimacy Issues

Being in relationship with others is part of what makes life so meaningful and fulfilling. We are wired for connection. So what do we do when the exact same thing we are craving (connection) is really triggering? There’s just something about relationships, especially romantic ones, that have a way of poking at our unhealed wounds. And that can be really frustrating when we want so badly to be in a healthy, loving relationship.
You can overcome your intimacy issues and learn how to feel good and thrive in mutually fulfilling relationships.
When our *stuff* gets in the way of us having healthy, loving relationships in our lives, whether romantic or other, we can struggle with loneliness and depression. We can stay in unhealthy relationships and even harmful ones to avoid this loneliness and pain. We may even use things outside of ourselves to numb this need for connection, such as pornography, sex, drugs, alcohol, shopping, or food.

So what is complex trauma? Complex trauma happens repeatedly over time and usually in the context of relationships in our childhood.

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Does this sound like you?

It can be really easy to continue doing things the same way you always have, but there comes a time when you realize it’s not working and something needs to change. You want more from your relationship, more closeness, more intimacy. Or maybe you just know that you want something different.

You want to be in a loving relationship. But when you’re presented with this closeness, you get really uncomfortable. The idea of being vulnerable freaks you out. Or maybe you’re even thinking “Vulnerability, what’s that? And how do I even do it?”

You fear that if you truly get close to someone, they’ll know you and if they know you, they’ll leave you.

Perhaps when you are emotionally close to your partner, it gives you the *ick*. Too much eye contact feels weird and gives you feel this really strong desire to pull away. Maybe even to run.

Perhaps things feel great in the beginning of a relationship. And then when things start to get real, you notice you cannot stop your mind from finding the things that you don’t like about your partner. You start to lose interest fast. Just like the last time. And the time before that. You fear that if you get close to someone they will steal your independence.

Or maybe relationships make you really anxious. You obsess about your partner. You can’t stop wondering if they like you. You may even find yourself changing things about yourself or trying to be a certain way so they will love you. You want their love badly. You crave it. You feel anxious when your person is away from you. You check your phone constantly to see if they called or texted. And when you finally receive it, you feel so much better. And if they don’t call. Ugh, all bets are off. Your night is completely ruined. You feel super sad, maybe even abandoned and unlovable.

Despite your deep desire for this loving relationship, you find yourself seeking chaos. You keep dating emotionally unavailable people who aren’t able to show up for you in the way you’d like. But then again, you find emotionally available people boring and unattractive.

You get really scared when you have to speak up and ask for what you want and need. Or maybe you don’t even really know what you want or need. You feel super uncomfortable if there is a disagreement or differences in your relationship. You don’t know how to navigate conflict so you push them and your partner away, never coming to any resolve. Or maybe you explode and it all comes out sideways, turning simple differences into a major fight. Again, with no resolve.

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The ways we learned to survive growing up often become our greatest obstacles to connection, intimacy and relationships in adulthood.
We provide not only education, but somatic practices, inner child healing and relationship skills to help you develop “an earned secure attachment style” so you can feel learn to feel safe in connection and intimacy.

Some examples of the *stuff* that gets in the way of intimacy and healthy relationships

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Self-esteem issues & toxic shame
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Boundary issues
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Difficulties asking for and accepting help
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Difficulties trusting others
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Growing up in an enmeshed family of origin, which shows up as a fear of engulfment or being “taken over” in a relationship.
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Growing up with emotional neglect
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Growing up with parents or a parent who was there some of the time, and then not there at other times, which can show up as relationship anxiety in adulthood.
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Difficulties managing your own emotions and either blowing up at your partner or shutting down.

How can therapy help you heal your relationship and intimacy issues:

Therapy allows the space to explore the roots of our attachment issues and our relationship history. We can gain insight and begin to identify our patterns and triggers. The therapist helps guide the resolution of any relational issues or traumas that may be getting in the way of you having the relationship you so desire. Through our work together, we support you in releasing toxic shame, building healthy self-esteem, and fostering a healthy and secure relationship with yourself.

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Learn how to have and maintain healthy boundaries in relationships.
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Learn how to identify what you need and want in a relationship.
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Learn how to lovingly ask for what you want and need.
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Learn how to manage your emotions and stop engaging in self-defeating relationship behaviors.
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Grow your capacity for vulnerability and intimacy.
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Become emotionally available yourself and in turn, become more attracted to emotionally available people.
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Learn how to use a relationship as a place to heal your childhood wounds & your anxious attachment style or avoidant attachment style.
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Learn what a healthy relationship is (and what it is not) and how to be in one.
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Learn the skills to navigate relationship conflicts in a way that builds connection.

You may be wondering, why are you talking about building a relationship with myself when I am seeking to build relationships with others? The relationship with yourself is the foundation of all other relationships. If we do not know our authentic self, how can we share it with another? If we do not have the ability to soothe ourselves, we may be completely dependent upon our partner to soothe us and that’s scary because our partner is not going to be available for us 24/7. We also may avoid relationships because the fear of pain is so great. But if we know how to soothe ourselves and have our own back, we will be able to tolerate those moments when our partner is imperfect.

We use the therapy space to actually practice being in a healthy relationship because the therapeutic relationship is a very intimate one. One where you’re being invited to be your authentic self, to tell the truth, to challenge people pleasing, to ask for what you need and want, and to allow us to fully see you.

We can also support you in expressing yourself in a healthy way so disagreements and conflicts can become opportunities to strengthen the relationship with your partner rather than a chaotic fight with no resolution.

Real Healing Counseling can help you grow your capacity for healthy intimacy, regulate your nervous system, become securely attached, and learn the skills to maintain the relationship you so desire.
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