All the feels can come up around setting boundaries, am I right?
The guilt, the anxiety, the feelings of unworthiness, the fear of abandonment, the difficulties letting go of the 101 responsibilities we have taken on and our disdain for asking for help.
The thoughts that come rushing in..
“Are they going to be mad at me?”
“Am I being mean? I don’t want to be mean.”
“Am I even allowed to ask for that?”
The good news is that the more we practice, the easier it gets.
Due to all this chatter and discomfort, many of us may have inadvertently chosen the pain of not setting a boundary over the pain of setting it, only to keep ourselves stuck in a very old pattern of stress, overwhelm, and resentment.
So let’s remember why we are setting boundaries in the first place this holiday season….
“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.”
– Brene Brown
-
Healthy boundaries protect relationships.
-
Healthy boundaries prevent resentment.
-
Healthy boundaries are loving, to ourselves and to others.
-
Healthy boundaries prevent burn out.
-
Healthy boundaries are self-care.
-
Healthy boundaries are kind.
-
Healthy boundaries are respectful.
-
Healthy boundaries help us maintain relationships.
Healthy self-soothing tips for boundary setting
Self-soothing is a way to reset and calm yourself when you’ve got some big, uncomfortable feelings, like the ones that setting boundaries may bring up! I recommend starting to practice one or two per day to discover what resonates with you ahead of time.
I recommend using “body based” self-soothing skills. These are the kind of skills that can let your brain know that you are okay and safe, even if you are setting boundaries!
Using your senses:
Smell– smelling essential oils or a candle of your favorite scent.
Touch- holding a stuffed animal, your favorite comforter, a weighted blanket, petting an animal, holding stones or crystals, a self-hug.
Taste- sipping on a soothing tea, eating a mint or some dark chocolate.
Sight- noticing the beauty around you, noticing colors or art around you, looking at pictures of religious or spiritual figures, photos of people you love, a visualization of your favorite soothing place
Sound- listening to music, silence, a meditation, noticing the sounds around you, ocean waves. the wind or the rain.
A few more techniques:
-Deep breathing
-Spending time in nature
-Gentle movement or a mindful walk
-Safe relationships. Did you know that being in the presence of a loving person who makes you feel safe can help regulate your nervous system? Imagine their face and a time you connected with them.