In the therapy world, labels are a controversial topic, especially the label of sex addiction. For some people, labels can bring stigma. And for others, labels can bring relief that there is a term for what they are struggling with, an indicator that they are not alone, and a path forward towards recovery. I have seen too many people struggle with sex addiction or compulsive sexuality without even knowing it, and not just in the denial sense, but in the sense that many people do not know what sexual addiction is or how to identify sex addiction, including many therapists.
If you think you may be struggling with sex addiction or compulsive sexuality, please know that you are not alone. You are not broken or hopeless although you may feel like it. The therapists at Real Healing Counseling have supported many people in their sex addiction recovery and witnessed them break free from self-hatred, guilt and shame and grow healthy self-esteem and healthy relationships that feel good and meaningful.
The point of this blog is not for me to ramble about sex addiction and titles. And how controversial the label of sex addiction is. Because quite frankly, you can call it “purple elephant” if it helps you recover. The point of this blog post is for me to share some of the symptoms of sex addiction and remind you that there is hope. Read more about our perspective on sex addiction here.
Firstly, let’s talk about the man, the myth, the legend, Patrick Carnes. Because a blog post about sex addiction wouldn’t be a blog post about sex addiction if we didn’t mention him. Patrick Carnes is a pioneer in the treatment of sex addiction and the Founder of the International Institute for Trauma and Addiction Professionals (IITAP). IITAP is where some of the therapists on our team got trained to be Certified Sex Addiction Therapists and to be able to specialize in working with people who struggle with sex addiction.
Patrick Carnes created “PATHOS” a brief sexual addiction screening questionnaire to help individuals identify whether they may be struggling with sex addiction:
- Do you often find yourself preoccupied with sexual thoughts? (Preoccupied)
- Do you hide some of your sexual behavior from others? (Ashamed)
- Have you ever sought help for sexual behavior you did not like? (Treatment)
- Has anyone been hurt emotionally because of your sexual behavior? (Hurt others)
- Do you feel controlled by your sexual desire? (Out of control)
- When you have sex, do you feel depressed afterwards? (Sad)
PATHOS: A brief screening application for assessing sexual addiction, by Dr. Patrick Carnes was published in the Journal of Addiction Medicine: March 2012 – Volume 6 – Issue 1 – p 29–34
So here is the meat and potatoes of the blog post. The 12 symptoms of sex addiction…
- Preoccupation with sexual thoughts. Do you constantly think about sex? Do your thoughts about sex interfere with your life, cause distress or negatively impact your ability to function?
- Inability to control sexual behaviors. Do you make promises to yourself regarding sexual behaviors and break them? Do you feel guilt and shame about your inability to stop engaging in sexual behaviors? Do you keep trying different things to control your sexual behaviors with limited or no success?
- Neglecting responsibilities. Do your sexual behaviors or thoughts get in the way of life, including important aspects such as work, relationships, or school?
- Engaging in risky sexual behaviors. Do you continue to engage in risky sexual behaviors despite negative consequences, including relationship consequences, healthy consequences, financial consequences or legal consequences. Do you put yourself in potentially dangerous and harmful situations to try to get your sexual needs met?
- Escalating behaviors. Do you notice that your sexual acting out is happening more often, for longer, or that you need more intensity to experience satisfaction?
- Relationship issues. Do you notice the relationship with your friends, family, and loved ones is strained? Do you notice that your sexual acting out keeps you isolated and not truly known by those around you?
- Guilt and shame. Do you experience feelings of guilt and shame after engaging in sexual activities?
- Negative consequences on mental health or physical health. Do you suffer from depression and anxiety related to your sexual thoughts and/or behaviors? Do you suffer from sexually transmitted diseases or other health issues due to your sexual behaviors?
- Withdrawing from life and activities. Have you lost interest in relationships, activities and aspects of life that you used to be engaged in due to your sexual thoughts or behaviors?
- Secrets, manipulation and deception. Do you lie, hide or manipulate in order to act out sexually? Do you ever feel like you are leading a double life? Do you sometimes feel like you are even lying to yourself about the reality of your sexual thoughts and behaviors?
It takes a tremendous amount of courage to explore whether you are struggling with sex addiction or compulsive sexuality. Recognizing the struggle with sex addiction or compulsive sexuality is often the first step towards recovery. Working with a therapist who has specialized training to work with people struggling with sex addiction can provide you with the necessary information, guidance, support and skills to break free from the darkness of sex addiction.
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