Sometimes it can be hard to identify when we are showing up from a loving, helpful place and when we are showing up from a codependent place. These questions can help us set healthy boundaries in our relationship, which in turn creates a healthier, more sustainable relationship.
drum roll please..
the 4 questions to ask yourself are:
1. Did they ask?- Yes to being helpful. No to reading minds and no to feeling like we have to constantly be doing to be for someone to be in a relationship or to be loved.
Take a moment to reflect. Do you ever find yourself doing things because you feel unworthy of love or unworthy of being in the relationship? Can you start to notice if this is coming up in the present. Can you ask yourself.. “am i doing this kind act or thing to add joy to this person’s life or am I doing it because I want them to love me?” Can you remind yourself that you are enough as you are. This allows us to be loving and thoughtful for the sake of being loving and thoughtful and moves us away from showing up from a place of seeking external validation and feeling like we constantly have to “do” to be loved.
2. Can they do it themselves?– Yes to being helpful. Again, YES to being helpful. But no to encouraging someone to be dependent upon us in an unhealthy way. Yes to healthy attachment. No to creating a dependent dynamic.
This is not always an easy thing to do because there might be a part of someone who has a fear of rejection or abandonment that does want their partner to be dependent upon them. You don’t have to actually show up in the relationship from this place.
3. Am I going to have a resentment? Are you pushing yourself beyond your comfort zone? Are you self-neglecting? Are you saying something yes to something that you really need to be saying no to? Resentments build walls in relationships. Do things from a place of love.
I hope these 3 questions are helpful for you.